Discursive Musings

Hitting Snooze on the Biological Clock.

From the Generation that gave us the Pill, plastic surgery, and women in the workforce - again, my Grandmother's Generation, showing us how its done.

Thank you, for giving us almost-30-something's hope.  And, blazing the trail into the frontier that we as woman really can do it all. 

Oh So Trendy

So, singledom is the new black?

Here's to hoping that it too is also slimming.

And makes me more like Rosario Dawson.

*crossed fingers*

Because, this is a small town.  And my ex is a mere stones throw away. 
Downtown is wrought with potential post-breakup land-mines.   

If you need me, I will be at the gym.  For like forever.

Dear Universe

They say those who don't ask will never recieve.

I want a new apartment. 

In the city. 

Perferribly in an incredibly cute neighborhood,

with perfect accessibility to public transportation,

fabulous coffee/ brunchspots nearby,

friendly watering holes close,

and ample closet space.

Admittance of cats a must.

- Note to self: During move, please do self favor and throw away all that shit I keep around out of fear/ guilt/ misguided sense of responsibility.

Turning Up The Heat

I wish I could list it all off, offer it all up, and dump it all out.  Right here.  On the internet.

Talking with DF on Friday I actually felt it as pain.  All over my body.  Then I felt it as a purge.  And now I feel empty. Nothing really left to lose.  But with nothing left to lose there is a loss of fear.  A fear of failure.  Of being sad.  Of being alone.  Of being a failure.  I've been all of those things, and through all of those emotions.  No fear - because I know I can survive it all over again - because I already have - and I am.

J noted to me that I seem a lot more calm as of late.  Hmm.  Calm.

Yes, a lot of anger I carried around for years has finally disseminated.  And I have let it go.  Anger is bad.  Anger is toxic.  Anger has gotten me into some of the mess I am in now.  There is and was nothing healing or forgiving (to myself) by living in the anger.  But it was the best I could do - then.  Now, the best I have is more.  I know it.  And I am so grateful it is so.

The perspective a dear friend has brought into my life - (friends really are the biggest blessing in life, are they not?) I finally see hope in a relationship I had almost abandoned entirely. 

And she came.  And she held my hand.  And the look of concern - the look of a mother - something I don't remember seeing in 20 years - a miracle.  A gift.  And a hope.  A hope that all is not lost.  She is not lost - or hopefully not forever.

I feel that an era of change and transition lays before me.  Before us.  And I know that the path behind me has given me the tools, and the strength, to lead my loved ones down this waythat lays before us.

And maybe that is why I am here.

The Greatest Gamble

Toes dug firmly in the dirt below, hair following the wind. 

Right on the edge.  Peering over. 

You take in a breath,

take in the view,

and wonder

When the wind will change it's direction.

Deep Thoughts

"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyways."

I've been going through some old files recently of collected love letters and random photos and clippings - and I found a card with my favorite Deep Thoughts quote above. 

It's just funny to me that the Melissa of 19 is not much different in temperament and humor from the Melissa of 27.

What you can pack into thirty hours

One overnight bag with wardrobe enough to cover a week’s worth of activity

Two hours on the beach

Three hours of Karaoke

Four drive-by home tours in Camelot

Five changes of *ahem* shoes

Six hours of sleep

Seven people to move a fridge

Eight – thousand calorie breakfast at Eat Well

Nine dozen smiles

Ten plus four and I get to do it all over again.

Hungry Eyes

It can be a movement as simple as taking Sunset rather than Fairfax on your way home.

Or maybe it's when you grab the mic at Orchid and impress her with your flawless Lil' John impersonation.

And sometimes it can be when you sit on her deck, smoke a cigarette, and let her open up her heart to you.

Or even at times it can be surprising her with a flower.  Framed this time of course.

But it is really when she is  kneeling in the sand, staring you in the eye, and ask you to open up - and you do.

Oh Those Summer Nights

"A dear friend offers a loving ear and some thoughtful advice.  Hold both the friend and the advice in high regard.  You've learned a lot from both.

And the lessons learned before from that same dear friend - you've taken a few out for a test drive and have been happily surprised by thier performace.  But that big one you learned?  Apply it now.  Communicate."

Now... to take control... let's see what happens.

Yahoo Indeed

My horoscope for today:

"A sudden desire to change virtually everything -- from your wardrobe to your furniture arrangement to your job -- could seize you now. Take this cosmic energy and channel it into a total refresh of your love life."

OK, so the stars are to blame for this – this total and complete desire for CHANGE I’ve been experiancing.

But my love life?  That is one issue even I don’t want to tackle…