Discursive Musings

"This Is My House"

"...I want you to know however that your love and kindness for me still, and your understanding of where I am right now is amazing to me, almost like a gift. 

In my mind right now I think what I shared with you in return this morning was a jumbled mash of insights and thoughts that perhaps does not clearly represent where I am or where I am coming from or what is happening for me right now.  I would try to clarify, but I know that I should also keep these things in my heart for the time being to be able to sort them out properly.  Please just know that this past weekend, I confronted the darkest side of myself.  But, thankfully enough, I also greeted back the hope and brightness of the woman within me.  It was good to see her again. 

And I am excited and hopeful of the path I take now for me.

I know I have the ability inside me to forgive those whom I need to forgive – and most importantly, forgive myself and move on from my past."

Sleepless

This might be nearly the tenth night in a row where the ambiguous hours of the night have lured me in to this place I am.  A sense of panic awakes me.  The realities of my worries makes me cry.  And before I know it, morning has indeed come again and I am less and less capable of battling and suppressing my demons during the daytime hours due to the added physical stresses caused  by the lack of sleep.

I am thinking now of a scene in the movie I watched last night.  In it, Robert DeNiro's character has a monologue about loneliness as he drives through the streets of New York City.  Perhaps I should avoid drawing parallels with myself and the characterized mentally ill, but I can't help but identify with him.  And how much like Scorsese's portrayal of the City do I find myself viewing the world!  I wonder how much this might drive my inability to connect to it in kind.